I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
This toilet bowl is my home.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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