I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
