it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
