Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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