I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
