"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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