1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
