My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
