if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
