Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I want to fling myself into the sun
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
