You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
