Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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