How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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