Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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