Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
