i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
