Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
