Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
