Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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