Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
