We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
