today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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