I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
