I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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