Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
