all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
