Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
