Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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