he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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