just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
