I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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