Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just want to make out with him forever
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
