My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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