So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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