A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
