I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
