Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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