just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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