i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
