I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
