DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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