My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
