you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
