my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
