gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
