when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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