I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
