we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
