UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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