THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
