does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
